Thursday, 25 April 2013
I got punched in the face this past week with a rather unpleasant truth: I AM A BITCH.
Let’s clarify: I am a Bitch on STEDS, riding a flaming motorbike from the gates of hell, flinging dollops of steaming poo and bad attitude in my wake.
My mate Keith, father of 7 and a social worker, calls it Releasing the Beast. And boy have I been letting her out of the cage a lot. Giving in to frustration & anger & venting to such an unproductive level that I can’t reign in back in and I just rile up everyone around me. Kind of like Sully seeing himself scaring Boo on Monsters Inc. Only I've had it on a repeating loop for ages. Not a pretty site.
But I can also be sweetness and light & am considered an optimistic person. I have Wikipedia sized volumes detailing the trials and ordeals I've got thru with a smile on my face and an annoyingly cheerful song in my heart. Somewhere, in the last year or so, that got lost, under an avalanche of crap.
Turning 49 a few weeks ago shook me up a bit. (yes my profile picture is OLD- 3yrs to be precise.) I had one of those boringly typical middle aged OMG moments thinking- do I want to wake up and be THIS person on my 50th birthday?
The answer was a resounding NO.
So the question became WHY? What the hell has been going on with me? Inner conflict and a general festering frustration & unhappiness, that’s what. For a long time now I've had on this shiny pink mask of optimism that’s hidden a toxic pond of procrastination, pointless anger and foot stamping.
NO MORE. I am also usually PROACTIVE. That’s where the feelings of conflict have come in. I've been stuck in avoidance, denial and procrastination.
That = BITCHINESS!!!!
So starting May 1st I'm on a mission, embarking on a
SPARKLY HAPPINESS PROJECT!
Not sparkly like team Edward at the beach. Or a disco ball, or Lelly Kelly shoes. More like the sparkle of dew on the grass on a peaceful cool spring morning. Birds chirping. Breeze ruffling the new birth of leaves. Serene. Uplifting.
To do this I've made a list of 20 things: ten that make me happy, ten that make me rage. I’m changing the focus of my time and attention, pulling things back to a more balanced core. And I'm taking a sabbatical from writing until September. I have one commissioned project to do, then it’s quits. In all this hassle and aggro I’ve put myself in a place where I HATE writing…the thing that I love best, one of the things that defines me. You know you’re out of kilter when you hate the thing you love so much.
So 4 months to do what, then? Stop procrastinating a million things that have festered and niggled at the back of my brain. Address some things that need changing in myself. Spend time with hubs & kids. It'll take some work & I'm gonna blog my progress, be accountable to you all. Come along for the ride OR- even better yet, join me in a SPARKLY HAPPINESS PROJECT of your own.
We can be each other’s cheerleaders. I promise not to fling poo.
Look for me here again on MAY 1st, DAY ONE!